I’m feeling quite zen right now.
No, I haven’t been at the herbal refreshments. My body can’t tolerate all that malarkey. I once had a puff on someone’s joint about 15 years ago that resulted in being curled up in a ball of hysterical, pant-wetting, tears-rolling-down-cheeks laughter for about half an hour before falling asleep for 12 hours. Keith Moon I am not.
I’m feeling calm and peaceful because I feel loved.
Over the last few weeks I have literally run the gamut of feelings and emotions. I’ve been at the limits of my capacity for anger, overwhelmed with unconfined joy, felt despairing and infinitely sad and then hauled into my daughters simple world of honesty and unconditional love without measure. I must sound like an emotionally unstable basket case, but I cannot overstate what a colossally shitty AND glorious few weeks it’s been. And now it’s all at an end.
Last night I slept in the arms of my husband. Neither of us wriggled or rolled, stretched or got up to wander around the house. It was peaceful, dreamless rejuvenating sleep. I had spent the day running around after my daughter and her best friend as they chased each other with the hosepipe, pretended to be astronaut doctors and ate everything in sight. In the evening Clyde and I made food, drank wine and listened to old school hip hop. I am happy.
I spent most of the previous day crying.
Crying through frustration.
Crying through exhaustion.
Crying through loss of control.
And now I have stopped. A dawn of realisation has come. I understand that my tears count for nothing, but my actions have value. I understand that nothing has changed. I understand that my capacity for effecting change is limited and that there are more good people in my life than bad. It is these good people who have given me a sense of calm. They’ve helped me to displace my anger and sadness with resolve (and not the stuff that kills hangovers. For once. I could properly demolish a G&T right now though…). They’ve reassured me that I’m on the right track, that I’m doing the right things and that they are by my side. And they are superb human beings, one and all, so they must be right.