Remember Bluetooth headsets?
*pauses while everyone remembers…
…taps foot impatiently while everyone falls about with laughter*
They were literally The Most Excruciatingly Cunty bit of techno-accessorising EVER, right? Erm…well, not quite. While the unrelenting pace of fashion and technology habitually and periodically sees some of us fall to the wayside of not giving a fuck, more and more impractical, overpriced, cringeworthy and downright fucking dumb New Shit finds its way into the hands of ‘Early Adopters’.
The problem is that developers/designers are looking for their equivalent of The Holy Grail: something that looks beautiful, feels life enhancing and offers the path of least resistance to solve an everyday problem. Like Botox that also acts as a personal Wifi hotspot (yes, I’m a genius). Unfortunately, not everyone has my vision. And so we have Google Glass, The Pebble and even rumours that Sony have patented a bloody SmartWig. That’s right, good people, in a dystopian Tomorrow’s-World-meets-League-of-Gentleman-techno-horror-nightmare, human beings with a complete and total disregard for reality AND aesthetics could potentially be walking around in a fully integrated wig/specs/oversized watch combo. And presumably would have an arse shaped like two wall-mounted Brabantia Touch Bins side-by-side from all the external battery packs they have to haul around in their back pockets. Like an army of scary multi-media Andy Warhols with the whole of Wikipedia at their boss-eyed disposal. With added porn.
Now, I must point out that I would be largely hypocritical if I were to criticise anyone for their internet usage. I am hopelessly attached to my i-devices is the same way that most people are to their internal organs (I figure that if Apple can give me the world at my fingertips, we are merely months away from growing replacement livers and kidneys in our breadbins, so let’s have another glass of wine and watch Made in Chelsea), but I draw the line at ugly, which is why I was so surprised when, last year, Queen of the Elegant Print Frock, Diane Von Furstenberg chose to dilute her SS13 show with the addition of Google Glass as an accessory and later in the year Vogue tried to incorporate them into ‘futuristic’ fashion stories.
It reeks of bandwagon-jumping desperation and the fact that wearers can never have a simple conversation without their eyeballs spinning in their heads like Linda Blair in The Exorcist is about as dignified and stylish as pissing up the wall of a Wetherspoons.
Is it a constant superiority battle? A principle that being first is alway being The Best? As much as I champion the principles of individuality, not giving a fuck and a Brave New World, even Google themselves have acknowledged that users run the risk of becoming a ‘Glasshole’ (ho-de-ho) and have issued etiquette guidelines for their use. If you have to tell users how not to piss people off when wearing your product then it’s failed. Like the antiquated Bluetooth Headset before it, the minute it’s visible you may as well be wearing a fascinator with a speech bubble coming out of it that reads “Yes! I am a total nob!”. Designed by Christopher Kane, natch.