I’m reaching political saturation point. Seriously, I’m so sick of the sound of political voices and the smug fucking crumply-suited dead-eyed bodies that hang off the back of them. I have The Fatigue. More than fatigue, I find myself wandering down the well-worn shit-track of voter apathy. Well, they’re all wankers and we’re essentially all bumbling pillocks, so we’re fucked either way right?
I can totally understand voter apathy. Because why would anyone vote for change when change is never forthcoming no matter who you vote for? This is great for the establishment, as it means that the people who always vote for them continue to do so unchallenged. And the rest of us drink cheap gin, smoke fags and lament that any control we once had has long since departed, whirling, unstoppable, down the drain along with last nights spag bol detritus and that funky stuff that nestles at the bottom of children’s lunch boxes. They’re cunts, we’re busy, nothing changes and…well, voting is a pain in the arse.
And it really is. Firstly there’s the fact that you need to know stuff about the party you support in order to decide who to vote for. This used to be nice and clear cut, but nowadays it looks like they’re all grown in a lab, or mass-produced in pods and then periodically released into the wild like mental little wildly gesticulating wind-up toys that randomly chuck out clichéd bullshit, sound bites and crowd-pleasing impassioned rhetoric from the secret book that I’m fairly sure all future panelists on Question Time are given. Distinguishing one shit-haired automaton from another takes incredible levels of dedication. Even I, with my prodigious talent for Googling shit, would lose patience after the seventh hour of trying to pick apart the teeny subtle differences that set each candidate apart. Is it any wonder people vote for ukip? They only have one fucking policy.
Secondly, the act of voting really is the most tedious fucking thing. It’s 2014, right? Everyone takes at least three online quizzes a week, telling them everything from ‘What side of the brain do you use most?’ to ‘what character from Downton Abbey do you share an arse with?’. We bank online (when we’re allowed – I’m looking at you Lloyds, you wankers), we email our children’s schools, shop online and communicate with healthcare services and turn the temperature up in our houses using apps. Then when the time comes to exercise our democratic right to vote, a right that was long fought for and gifted to us through sacrifice, we have to go to a fucking church hall, negotiate our way through increasingly desperate people who can’t fucking believe they are being harangued by dickheads with clipboards while we carry the knowledge of the universe in our pockets.
Finally we have those who see the no-vote as the ultimate act of rebellion. Fuck voting. Fuck politics, fuck all those miserable fuckers who tell us we should vote out of respect for people who fought for the right. Fuck war, fuck the system, fuck it all. We want revolution.
He’s a funny bugger, is Russell. No, seriously, he is. I saw him do stand up at The Albert Hall once and in between standing, eyes blinking and wondering where the FUCK this supposedly legendary swordsman had stashed his old chap in his spray-on strides, he was actually pretty amusing. He’s had a right old chequered life, is a total gobshite and has a healthy disrespect for authority that I can genuinely get behind. But I cannot and will not support him in his calls to abandon the vote as a path to real change.
The lucky fucker gets to stand in front of 50,000 people and call for “joyful revolution”. Joyful revolution?? These are just WORDS. And he’s really good at words, but words put together in the spirit of revolution must be loaded with intention and meaning. Instead it is nothing but empty proselytising by a man with no shirt on who then rushes off for a quick selfie with an MP. WHO WAS VOTED INTO HER POSITION. WITH VOTES. MADE BY PEOPLE. Caroline Lucas MP was not put in place by the overthrow of government.
I agree with Russell though. We do need change. The current guard do not speak for the people of this country and austerity is the biggest pile of perverted, backwards, blindfold wanking in the dark that a collective of dough-faced sycophants has ever had the audacity to jizz out onto us, but turning our backs on the democratic process won’t solve that. If anything, the absolute opposite should be true. A modern kind of revolution can be created by finding a new way to engage with democracy. A better way to vote. Channels where information can come quickly, clearly and credibly. Creating a path of visible cause and effect where voters can see the results of their clicks and feel like a part of something whilst putting the shits up those who seek to talk at the voting public rather than listen to what they want.
And it’s very nice that Russell wants to speak up about the inadequacies of our current regime. And it’s lovely that lots of people listen to him, but I’m not about to take advice from a man whose heiress girlfriends calls a ‘Diamond Crusted Revolutionary’. He’s just an articulate bell-end with his heart in the right place and his cock usually in the wrong one.