Words and Tit Shots

I have never wished to have a cock. By ‘have’, I obviously mean ‘own’ and by ‘own’, I obviously mean in the same way that I own my eyes or belly button, as opposed to my handbags, which can, with considerable effort, be removed from my person or swapped at any time. I have never wished to have my very own home-grown and functioning 24 hour inconveniently activating penis.

I can absolutely understand why psychologists once decided that women had penis envy though. After all, it may have seemed like a golden ticket, or exclusive entry through a biometrically protected door back in the seventies. However, in this enlightened age of equality, where chicks get the vote, we can wear Dr Martens without being called lesbians and absolutely no-one tries to grope us on buses anymore, there is barely an iota of difference between us and our nob-swinging brothers.

We feisty broads can stand up for ourselves like never before. We are independent women who feel strong emotional bonds with work and home-life alike. We are the Mumpreneurs who don’t let our hormones get the better of us and whose outspoken nature puts us ahead of the game.

OR IN THE REAL WORLD:

We tough individuals can stand up for ourselves like never before. We are women who feel passionately about our work and home-life alike. We are the entrepreneurs who don’t let our bad days get the better of us and whose forthright stance puts us ahead of the game.

Most people don’t even see the slight in the first paragraph. It’s never occurred to the vast majority of English speaking people that there are ‘words’ and then there are ‘Fanny Words’. Fanny Words are words that no-one would even contemplate using in the context of our non-matchy chromosomed brethren. I took to that veritable Starbucks of social media – a women only Facebook group – to find out which words and expressions really had them reaching for the razor wire and vinegar. Shit started itching like a crippling case of haemorrhoids. We’d been on the receiving end of so many clumsy, old-fashioned and intentionally patronising and rude expressions. And the worst thing was that these words are so ingrained into our culture that we accidentally use them ourselves…

Emotional
Nagging
Bitchy
Feisty
Outspoken
Hormonal
Bossy
Mumpreneur
Independent
Spinster (with its suggestions of loneliness and/or inadequacy)

As opposed to:
Passionate
Reminding
Critical
Tough
Candid
Having a bad day
Commanding
Entrepreneur
Just being a human being
Bachelor (aren’t they just so FUN? They don’t need a wife to tie them down!)

The lists go on and on where women seem to accumulate language with negative connotations left right and centre. It’s these little insidious, inconspicuous words that are far more damaging to equality than all the exposed tits in the world.

You see, *sounds controversy klaxon* on a scale of one to fuckmethatsoutoforder, Page Three doesn’t trouble me all that much. I’d rather it didn’t exist, obviously, but mainly because…

a) I entirely fail to see how a random pair of unfettered bazookas has any benefit to a readership who can readily access XShare on their phones. If we applied Page Three Logic to the rest of the UK, there’d be knockers in the most unlikely of places. Like on antibiotics or jammy dodgers.

b) It’s primarily a newspaper, not a titspaper. If print is your thing, then there are perfectly adequate titles in which you can peruse all the boobs and muff your heart desires.

c) I think it would be a more valuable use of our limited time and resources to make changes at the very core of our society, by first addressing the what we find unacceptable in our lexicon and then embracing and adopting the modifications ourselves first.

I scrolled down the the same Facebook group, past all the e-petitions, through the gauntlet of recommendations for plumbers/venue hire/cakemakers and ‘does anyone own this teddy/earring/piece of snotty cloth that might or might not be a blankie’ I found in the park?’ And stumbled across a screenshot from a girls Snapchat. She was clearly being horrendously bullied at school and the bullying was taking the shape of horrific female-specific insults.

‘Your such a slag and a dirty whore!’
‘Fatty’
‘Fucking dirty little SKET’

And there is the core of it. The grand finale in a very arduous and laboured point.

We don’t have to get along. In fact, when you throw hundreds of humans into a close environment day in, day out, then I guarantee that sparks will fly at some point, but if we can’t respect each other’s humanity and have the intelligence, decency and downright fucking smarts to try and use insults that call each other out on our unique idiocies rather than things we cannot control, such as gender, race, sexual preference and the entire gamut of human difference then we’re all utterly fucked as a species. And all the ‘get the tits out of our papers’ campaigns in the world won’t change that. The way we treat each other and how we choose to respect or disrespect other people’s choices are examples to entire generations of children and young adults. Our children. Who might then grow up to call you a stupid bitch when you don’t let them stay out until midnight like all the other mums.

So try to remember that next time you call someone a stupid bitch out loud. Or better still, before.

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One thought on “Words and Tit Shots

  1. When I read the first version I took exception to a few phrases and the mention of hormones but as I kept reading I saw we were on the same page there. I’ve started to use more specific descriptions to express my anger rather than “bitch” since bitch is inherently female which says that part of the problem is being a female and I fucking hate that idea but it’s a tough habit to break right now. I’m working on it! Very thought provoking post and thanks for sharing it.

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